Fast Times at DeSmet High

Operation horse flesh is not going as planned. Bridges to a happy marriage are being burned like a fast moving prairie fire. Miss Wilder (who's finally been unmasked as bossy Eliza Jane) will definitely not be greasing the path to Almanzo's marital bed via his horses. And she's going to make the worst sister in law ever.

Not only did she go ahead and become instant PBFF (Prairie Best Friends Forever) with that horrible Nellie Oleson (meaning she is now Laura's mortal enemy too) she's turning out to be a totally shitty teacher too. Hello, Eliza Jane! Some people are reluctantly trying to get teaching certificates so they can help their blind sisters stay in college here! Get your shit together.

Instead of keeping progeny of the frontier in line so she can jam their heads full of whatever was useful back then, she''s all, I'm going to rule you out of love, not fear. Blech. This kind of I'm okay, you're okay, no one's getting punished, teaching style disgusts the frontier children. They're used to knowing swift punishment is imminent for anything from shedding a tear, to wasting a grain of corn. Of course if they were aware of how many of the teachers from the Wilder's home town who were murdered by their students, they might cut her some slack.

Her incompetence produced one of my favorite moments in any Little House book, despite being almost incomprehensible.

"Birds in their little nests agree," [Miss Wilder] said smiling, and Laura and Ida almost squirmed from embarrassment. Besides, that showed that she knew nothing at all about birds.

Take note: birds in their nests most certainly do not agree.

Miss Wilder's ineptitude has led to all kinds of outrageous misbehaving, from whispering and nudging all the way to seat scuffing. But no matter how many seats are scuffed, no punishments are meted out. Of course with Nellie (who clearly hasn't forgotten Laura's social domination in Walnut Grove) in her ear it's only a matter of time before Laura and Carrie catch some shit.

The way it goes down is really quite sad. See, little Carrie, being an Ingalls, has been through some shit in her life. She had the same scarlet fever that blinded Mary back in Walnut Grove and not being made of the same hearty stock as Laura, never really recovered from last years long winter. She's pale and scrawny, always cold and plagued by headaches. Not condusive to excelling at school, and she, just like I do, sucks at spelling. When Miss Wilder makes her go to the chalk board to copy a word she misspelled 50 times, she almost keels over, all grey and sweaty. When Laura saves her, Miss Wilder gets pissed and makes Laura finish for her. So unfair!

After that it's all out war in the school house, culminating in Miss Wilder sending Laura and Carrie home early from school. Apparently, getting sent home early from school is the worst punishment a student has ever survived. Seriously, the other students act like they're headed to the electric chair. But Miss Wilder and Nellie Oleson didn't bank on the fact that everyone loves Laura, including all the boys, and life at school descends into pandemonium. Miss Wilder's ruler (and only means of discipline) is stolen, funny faces are made, spitballs are launched and the aisles are in a constant state of being scampered down.

Even Nellie can feel which way the wind is blowing and lets the other girls know that Miss Wilder's greatest humiliation was getting lice from a "dirty girl" when she was a student. Aw! And the other up state New York students called her "Lazy, lousy, Lizy Jane" from there on out - possibly forcing her to move 1,000 miles away from home to teach out on the Dakota prairie. That's speculation.

Before you know it absolutely no learning is going on in the school house, which is bad news for Laura, and everyone's singing an impossibly mean song (which Laura "accidentally" composed) that incorporates the hated nickname. Also bad for Laura who feels bad about the song, but would still totally beat up Lousy Lizy if given the chance.

When word of the whole mess gets back to Pa, who's on the school board, he manfully takes over, shutting down the insurrection by merely showing up at school and telling everyone to cut it out already. At home he tries to get to the bottom of why Miss Wilder blamed everything on Laura and Carrie. You and I know it was that manipulative bitch Nellie but there's always some way Laura could be acting more virtuously. Like not composing catchy but slanderous songs, but Pa never got wind of that. Pa closes the subject with the confusing warning, "a dog that will fetch a bone will carry a bone."

What? I think it has something to do with gossip, but I'm not sure. Is the dog Nellie or Laura? Or is Nellie the bone?